If My Heart Was A House
by Darling Pretty
Summary: Three years after her departure, Addison returns to Seattle to attend her ex-husband's wedding. And maybe, just maybe, she'll find her home too. Addison/Alex. Oneshot.


**So I wrote this at two in the morning, because I was bored and I didn't want to sleep. And then I heard the song "If My Heart Was a Home" by Owl City on my iTunes, and I just got this amazingly clear picture and knew I had to write it down. Besides, the song is one of my new favorites, and I'm ridiculously obsessed with Owl City, so this is my little tribute to that obsession. I kind of wrote the story to sound like the song, if that makes sense. It makes sense to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything...**

**I don't own Grey's Anatomy or Owl City, but I really, really wish I did.**

* * *

Addison frowns as she sits alone at a table. The one thing she will never, ever get is the fascination with formal parties. She had done multitudes of them back when she was married, always dressed to the nines, smiling while scrambling to remember the name of the person across from her. She had worked so hard to come off as perfect, someone worthy of the brilliant neurosurgeon she had married. But the thing was she _knew _that she was plenty worthy; she knew she was good enough. Unfortunately, the one remnant of her less than ideal childhood was an ever-present fear that she was fooling herself; that she never had been and never would be quite good enough.

God, she hates these stupid things. She had tormented herself at these things back in New York, forcing herself to remember names of people she saw once every couple years, smiling, pretending to be in her element, and now she's sitting at the reception of her ex-husband's wedding. If she had known that this was how it was going to turn out, she never would have expended all that effort.

It's been three years since she left Seattle, and she's still a little sad that she hadn't left the hospital burning to the ground or anything. But she needed a quick getaway; she just needed to be away from Mark's efforts, and Derek's happiness. And she'd never admit it to anyone but herself, but she needed to be away from her intern too. She needed to gather her thoughts, force her emotions away, and she couldn't do that with him always hovering at the edge of her consciousness. She had to stop getting her hopes up. He was an intern, for God's sake, and he had no business building her up and tearing her down like he did. So she left, and it was good for her.

"I'm really glad you came," Meredith's voice shakes her out of her reverie. She hadn't even noticed the bride sit down.

"It was a lovely ceremony," Addison replies neutrally.

Meredith bites her lip. "I was surprised you came. I mean, I don't think I'd have been able to. But it means a lot to me. I just hope you don't hate me."

That startles Addison. "I don't hate you," she replies. "I used to, a little. But you make Derek happy. I can't hate something that makes him as happy as you make him."

Meredith blushes and looks away. "Thank you."

"I really am happy for you two. And I'm sorry that we had to meet like we did," Addison admits.

"Yeah, well," Meredith laughs. "It was probably for the best." They fall into a comfortable silence. Meredith breaks it by asking suddenly, "Addison, can I say something?"

"Sure," she agrees.

"You deserve this. You deserve to be happy like this. I… I really hope someone gives you your happy ending."

"Thank you, Meredith," Addison replies gracefully, even though she's confused at the turn the conversation has taken.

"I saw a lot of things before you left," Meredith confesses. "And I saw how you and Alex worked so well together, and how angry he was when you left. You deserve a happy ending," she ends abruptly before getting up and heading to her new husband.

Addison's frown reappears. What could she have meant by that?

Another fifteen minutes passes. Addison declines doing the Cha Cha Slide, though it does appear that the participants have fun. Her mind is still on Meredith's words, and she's trying to shove that random flare of hope back into the long-forgotten box she had shoved it befor.

And then, just as she's contemplating leaving, he appears like something out of a dream. Mist may as well have started swirling around his feet and her vision might as well have tunneled. Even after three years, he still leaves her breathless.

"Dr. Montgomery," he greets her.

"I… erm… hi, Karev," she manages to get out.

"Hey. Um, do you… that is… dance?"

She bites her lip nervously. This doesn't seem like a great idea. "I, um, sure."

He leads her out to the dance floor, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back.

"If My Heart Was A House" by Owl City begins to play, and Addison smiles.

"What?" he asks.

"Nothing. I just… I love this song," she says. He smiles, and grabs her hand, pulling her close, but not too close. She resists the urge to lay her head on his shoulder.

_You're the sky that I fell through,  
__And I remember the view whenever I'm holding you  
__The sun hung from a sting  
__Looking down on the world as it warmed over everything  
__Chills run down my spine as our fingers entwine  
__And your sighs harmonize with mine  
__Unmistakably, I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me_

_We got older and I should have known  
__(Do you feel alive?)  
__That I feel colder when I walk alone  
__(Oh, but you'll survive)  
__So I may as well ditch my dismay  
__Bombs away_

_Circle me and the needle moves gracefully back and forth  
__If my heart was a compass, you'd be north  
__Risk it all cuz I'll catch you if you fall  
__Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home_

_It makes me smile because you said it best  
__I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west  
__Flower baum perfume, all my clothes smell like you  
__Cuz your favorite shade is navy blue_

_I walk slowly when I'm on my own  
__(Do you feel alive?)  
__Yeah, but frankly, I still feel alone  
__(Oh, but you'll survive)  
__So I may as well ditch my dismay  
__Bombs away_

_Circle me and the needle moves gracefully back and forth  
__If my heart was a compass you'd be north  
__Risk it all cuz I'll catch you if you fall  
__Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home_

Addison can't help but sing the words under her breath. It's one of her favorites, and she's never been very good at resisting impulses. They dance in silence, other than Addison's murmurs. Every once in awhile, she'll look up and their eyes will meet, and she can feel her heart start to race.

As the song progresses, neither really notices, but they drift closer naturally. She rests her chin on his shoulder, closing her eyes and enjoying the feeling of being in his arms. The song ends though, and with it, his embrace.

She pulls back and meets his eyes nervously. And then as she can feel herself leaning in, the day they slept together flashes before her eyes, and every emotion comes crashing down over her, flooding her lungs, making it impossible for her to breathe, but not in a good way. She needs to get out of this room. "I- I have to go," she says, not breaking eye contact. And then, just as quickly as the tidal wave of emotions suffocated her, she's gone.

0ooo0

She sits outside the hall rented for the reception. Because it's Derek Shepherd's wedding and the gods always smile on Derek Shepherd, it's a gorgeous night and you can make out almost all the constellations, if you know where to look. Addison doesn't notice though, as she tries to stifle the tears that are proving just too stubborn to keep at bay. For just one second in there, she pretended that he was actually hers, and it felt right. But the second ended, and she was left with the cruel reality that he is no more hers than Derek is anymore. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She doesn't turn at the sound of the door opening. And she doesn't turn when someone sits beside her. She doesn't even turn when he asks, "Hey, you okay?"

"Y-yeah," she says. "It's nothing." She wipes away the few tears that have managed to make their way past her iron will.

"You're crying," Alex accuses her.

"It's nothing," she repeats. She doesn't want to talk about it, not with him, not with anyone. She hates being caught crying.

He nods, realizing exactly that he shouldn't push. "So there's a rumor around that you're actually back for good," he says lightly. "Any truth in that?"

She sighs. "There is," she replies simply. She's not about to explain the complexities of her love life in LA to the man who was the breaking point in her moving there in the first place.

"That's good. That you're back, I mean. The hospital's different."

"Yeah. Whether it's a good thing is yet to be determined, but we'll see, I guess." She looks at him out of the corner of her eye. She wasn't aware he was sitting so close to her.

"Well, I'm glad," he says.

"Thanks."

They sit in silence until he breaks it. "Look, about before…"

"It's okay," she says quickly, wanting to avoid this conversation at all costs.

"No, it's not," he replies. "I treated you like crap and I'm sorry for it."

"Thank you."

He swallows. "I've never really care about second chances. You're the only time I've ever really wanted one."

She finally looks at him. And then she looks down and is surprised to see her hand resting in his. At some point between when he sat down and now, their hands have become entwined, though they're only now noticing it. She notices how _right_ they look together, her pale, delicate hand resting in his darker, rougher one. Her long fingers, once used for mastering the piano, now highly skilled in the OR, are fitted together with his like puzzle pieces.

Quietly, she says, "When you told me… when you said I wasn't your girlfriend, for one second I thought it was just some sick joke. But then I realized you were serious. When I walked out of the hospital that night, I was determined it was for the last time. And then I moved to LA. And you never explained."

"I wasn't ready," he elucidates simply.

Even quieter than before, she asks, "And you're ready now?"

He smiles. "I don't know. Maybe. Hopefully."

She smiles and nods her consent. As she looks at him, a slight breeze stirs tendrils of her hair. She shivers a little, but she isn't sure if it's the breeze or the intensity of his gaze. "Are you cold?" he asks, already starting to shrug off his suit jacket. She shakes her head, not trusting herself to speak.

His hand caresses her face and she leans into it. "Welcome home, Addison," he says quietly before leaning in to kiss her.

* * *

**Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because I certainly loved writing it.**

**I know I don't usually beg for reviews (okay, maybe sometimes, a little), but I could really use them this time. It's been a really bad week, and I need a little bit of cheer.**

**-Juli-**


End file.
